self esteem

The Self-Improvement Trap

By No Comments
The Self-Improvement Trap

When you last picked up a self-help book or took the initiative to participate in a personal development course, what motivated you to do so?

Was your motive something along the lines of…

  1. I need to fix my negative thoughts because their messing up my life
  2. I need to get rid of my insecurities because they have ruined so many opportunities
  3. I need to become more present because if I don’t I’ll be forever anxious 

Or did they embody something along the lines of this…

  1. I would like to establish a more positive outlook on life so that when I’m in a conflicting situation I can make more proactive decisions
  2. I would like to respond to myself with kindness when my insecurities arise and reduce the self-critical effect
  3. I would like to become more present so that I can enjoy my family and friends

So, which one was it?

Isn’t it interesting to see how similar yet different these motives are? There is a fine line between self-improvement and self-degradation. In the first category, there is a great emphasis on trying to ‘fix you’ as a person. The motives are laced with a negative undertone and a disease like quality. It’s like once I become emotionally stable, then I’ll be lovable. Once I tackle my anxiety, then I’ll be able to live. It’s the never ending pursuit of once I have this, then I’ll be good.

Many of us take this self-improvement approach. We have this belief that we need to eliminate the bad, before we can see the good in a situation or in ourselves.

What’s The Problem With This Thinking?

The problem is that we become trapped into trying to fix the old rather than build the new. When we create goals around ‘fixing ourselves’ we carry around a heavy weight of powerlessness, shame, not enoughness and struggle; which makes growing and improving so much harder (and failing even more so). Because of this strong negative undertone, we place more focus on protecting ourselves than growing.

Give Yourself Some SLACK!

If what I described above sounds like you, it’s not your fault and your 1000% normal. Emotions are real. Psychological issues are real. Triggers are real. Habits are real. The struggle is real and you’re not alone.

From an evolutionary perspective, this way of thinking and behaving helped us stay alive. Your anxiety helped prevent unwanted outcomes like rejection, failure and ultimately death. Your depression helped prevent the emotional overwhelm and everything in between helped manage something to keep you in the here and now. If you think about it, the blame is quite ambiguous because who you are right now is merely a compilation of the people you were around, the culture you’ve been exposed to and life circumstances you’ve experienced.

The important question comes down to… is there a way out and is there a way to use growth that is healthy and uplifting? Yes. 

That starts with the practice of self-acceptance. That means being okay with where you are at the moment and understanding that you are exactly where you need to be right now.

In our new course ‘Emotional Intelligence for Beginners’ we cover and provide tools on how to develop self-compassion so that you deal with difficult emotions when they arise and make choices and decisions that are based on growth rather than insecurity.

Have FOMO? You May Be Missing Out On Psychology’s New Trend- The Act of Self Acceptance

By No Comments
Have FOMO? You May Be Missing Out On Psychology’s New Trend- The Act of Self Acceptance

Did you know that the act of self-acceptance is the single most important ingredient when it comes to building your self-esteem? Matter of a fact, it’s impossible to build self-esteem without it.

If you’re like me, you may view self-acceptance as a weakness (after all you’re accepting the worst parts of you, aren’t you?). I quickly came to realize this misconception in my thinking, when I stumbled into a ground shaking psychological book called, “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem,” written by Nathaniel Branden. He quickly came to clarify self-acceptance by re-defining it’s meaning in a new definition while providing insights on what self-acceptance does to the human mind. I hope to discuss this evidence in this blog by sharing with you a new interpretation of the 3 levels of self-acceptance that is prescribed to human nature. Additionally, I’ll come to help you apply this into your own life. Ready? Let’s get started.

So, what is self-acceptance? Self-acceptance is the agreement to be in a compassionate and friendly relationship to self. Sounds great, doesn’t it? It can be hard to do, however, if you were taught from early childhood not to trust your instincts, your opinions, or your emotions. Not to mention, our natural gravitation to negativity.

Viewing the hierarchy of self-acceptance, we can quickly come to identify where we as individuals stand on the relationship with self. The first level is the thought of ‘being on my own side.’ This is the most primitive innate thought of each individual. It’s a natural egotism that is a birthright to every human being. This is the time when you may have gone through a rather toxic abusive relationship where abuse and humiliation were present and you finally decided to stand up for yourself through the last outcry of, “NO!” This is ultimately the voice of our life-force.

The second level is known as ‘the willingness to experience.’ This is the state of mind where we accept what we think we think, what we feel we feel, desire what we desire, have done what we have done, and are who we are. We allow ourselves to be, think, and feel openly; accepting ourselves entirely as we are; whether we like certain features or not. If one refuses to accept their own body, emotions, thoughts, actions or dreams, one denies their own existence and describes oneself as an alien, “not me”, ultimately diffusing personal responsibility. As a result of this, this person is now incapable to overcome a fear in which they possess since they deny their own reality. You and I, cannot deal with a problem if we will not admit that it exists; for you cannot change traits in which you do not possess. You cannot forgive yourself for an action you do not acknowledge. See the pattern?

The third level of self-acceptance is carrying ‘compassion to self’- being your own ultimate friend. With this type of relationship to self, one displays respect and compassion to oneself; where your higher self works collaboratively with you to grow to excellence. This is the golden state to be in; where forces of productivity, love, and respect are present.

The question lies to, what level are you sitting at? And if it’s anything below three, how can you apply the act of self-acceptance into your own life?

First off, you don’t have to like your current situation, you merely need to accept it. I got goosebumps when I first heard this; you mean I don’t have to like my anxiety, my past self, my behaviours, my thoughts, these destabilizing emotions? I simply need to accept them? Yes, since if you can’t accept yourself in your worst state, you’ll never be able to accept yourself in the best state.

Secondly, emotions and thoughts are nor good or bad, they just are. Society, especially religious groups, like to shame individuals for feeling in certain ways or thinking differently. The truth is that if we do not acknowledge a certain thought or feeling and fail to validate it, we are prone to become passive aggressive, or live in denial (a state of frozenness); when all of this could have been avoided if self validation occurred where one could have acted accordingly. After all, actions matter most.

Great! I think the time has come for you to give self-acceptance a shot; it’s time to place it into action. Try it today, by accepting something you’ve been resisting for a while now. You know what that something it is… You’ll be amazed at what it will do for you within a month’s time.

 

What You Didn’t Know About Self-Esteem…

By No Comments
What You Didn’t Know About Self-Esteem…

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”

Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

Self-esteem is like a muscle. If you understand the mechanisms of growing and maintaining muscle tone, you’ll get results. Just like exercising, providing the proper proteins, and resting are crucial for muscle growth, there are 6 pillars or elements to developing a healthy self-esteem.

Before we can initially dive into these pillars, we first need to understand the fundamentals. The highlight being – what is self-esteem???

Self-esteem, in it’s full realization, is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life. In basic terms, you feel confident that you are worthy to be alive and feel capable to deal with any situation that life tosses at you.

To dive into a more technical realm however, psychology comes to explain self esteem as the composition of these two elements (both crucial to the existence of self-esteem).

  1. Self-Efficacy: confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life
  2. Self-Worth: Confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts

If that wasn’t revelational in it’s own right, what’s even more stunning is the fact that self esteem has an impact on every aspect of our existence; from the professional to the social to the personal dimensions of life. It’s how we operate in the workforce or at school, to how we deal with people, how high we’re likely to rise, how much we’re likely to achieve, to the personal aspect like who are we going to fall in love with, how do your relations look like and the list goes on.

Now that I’ve pinpointed how important self-esteem is let’s dive into the pillars.

The First Pillar: The Practice of Living Consciously

In virtually every great spiritual and philosophical tradition, there appears to be an idea that most humans walk through life sleepwalking. As a result, the epitome or spiritual goal would be to reach enlightenment (the phenomenon of waking up). This entails seeing the world completely as it is and accepting it accordingly.

As humans we have been provided with an extraordinary choice- that of seeking awareness or not bothering (or actively avoiding it), seeking truth or not bothering, focusing our mind or not bothering.

For example:

“I know I’m not giving my best at work (or school), but I don’t want to think about it.”

“I know I’m phoney and lie about my accomplishments, but…”

This is a perfect example of the diffusion to see reality as it is.

Self-esteem, in clarity, is the reputation we acquire with ourselves. To live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values, and goals – to the very best of our ability.

The Second Pillar: The Practice of Self-Acceptance

This stage is incredibly crucial; in fact without self acceptance self esteem is impossible.

In order to thrive as an individual one must entail the idea of compassion to self; where one treats self as a friend (versus a foe).

Simply put, the act of self-acceptance is accepting one’s own feelings and thoughts; regardless of the liking. It does not mean we cannot imagine or wish for changes or improvements. It means experiencing, without denial or avoidance, that a fact is a fact. If you persist with this practice, by surrendering yourself to the reality of the situation, you may notice that a feeling of relaxation and a sense of true connection with the self.

The Third Pillar: The Practice of Self-Responsibility

To feel competent to live and be worthy of happiness, one needs to experience a sense of control over their existence. This requires that I am willing to take responsibility over my actions and the attainment of my goals. This means I take responsibility for my life and well-being.

Example: I like to blame my parents for how screwed up my habits and life is. If I were to take responsibility for my life; I’d have to stop blaming my parents and would have to go do something about it.

The Fourth Pillar: The Practice of Self-Assertiveness

This is the belief that one has a right to exist. How easy is it for you to say that statement without defiance or defensiveness? It’s not so easy, is it?

Self-assertiveness means honouring my wants, needs, and values and seeking appropriate forms of expression in reality.

To clarify, self assertion does not mean belligerence or inappropriate aggressiveness; it does not mean pushing to the front of the line or knocking other people over; it does not mean uploading my own rights while being blind or indifferent to everyone else’s. It simply means being able to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters. It means the refusal to fake my person to be liked.

The Fifth Pillar: The Practice of Living Purposefully

To live without purpose is to live at the mercy of chance; the chance event, the chance phone call, the chance encounter- because we have no standard to judge what is or is not worth doing. Our orientation to life is reactive versus proactive. We are drifters.

Goals are what leads us forward – that energize our existence. Whether that’s the goal of studying, of raising a family, of earning a living, of starting a business, solving a scientific problem…

To live purposefully is to live productively, which is a necessity of making ourselves competent to life. Productivity is the act of translating our thoughts into reality, of setting our goals and working for their achievement, of bringing knowledge, goods, or services into existence.

The Sixth Pillar: The Practice of Personal Integrity

As we mature and develop our values and standards (or absorb them from others), the issue of personal integrity becomes of great importance to our personal assessment.

Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs- to behaviour. When our behaviour is congruent with our professed values, when ideas and practice match, we have integrity.

When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgment of what is appropriate, we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less. If this becomes habitual we trust ourselves less or cease to trust ourselves at all.